If it's a believable lie he's trying to come up with, Zel would expect him to have an easier time.
So then, is it the truth he's unable to articulate? Is it pride that keeps him from stating it? Shame? Doubt? Cowardice?
Without knowing what's happening in Rezo's head, Zel's assumption is that he's trying to weasel his way out of answering. ]
A promise from you isn't worth much.
[ That is not entirely true.
Zelgadis glances at the drying blood on the handkerchief. His nosebleed has subsided along with the majority of the pain, so he's going to charitably assume that there's nothing particularly terrible happening inside his body at the moment.
'When all of this is over'... That's looking awfully far away. What state will either of them be in by then?
He could persist. Rezo might well crack.
But the patients. The mazoku.
There are greater priorities. ]
...All right. I'll wait. But if you don't keep your word, that's it. I'm done.
[ A faint waver in his voice betrays the emotion he's fighting to keep at bay.
[ Rezo already expected the barb, so it doesn't sting much. He waits a bit longer and eventually, Zelgadis acquiesces. Perhaps it's just because he knows he can't force Rezo to speak, but at least Rezo now has some breathing room. Albeit begrudgingly. ]
Fair enough.
[ Rezo honestly thought that Zelgadis was already "done" with him, notwithstanding emergencies where a great sage's expertise was warranted. He's not sure if he should be relieved or alarmed by the notion that Zelgadis's opinion of him could get worse.
He suppresses a grimace as he realizes this reprieve isn't really going to lessen his tension any- now he just has the tension of awaiting future judgment and the added burden of having to somehow prepare himself.
On top of the patients they already have to care for... Rezo bites down on the inside of his cheek briefly before speaking. ]
I'll let you take over for the time being. Wake me in two hours, or if anything happens.
[ There are a few chairs free in the inn, even if there aren't any beds. Rezo can just grab an armchair by the fire and doze for a bit. ]
[ Seems Zel has demonstrated he can handle things on his own. That, or Rezo's simply pushed himself as far as he can. Well, Zelgadis is in no position to judge, and he does want Rezo to get some rest.
Zel doubts the mazoku is desperate enough yet to strike at Rezo while out of its element. Still, it's troubling, knowing that it's keeping tabs. It would definitely want to know how its curse is panning out. He's having an awful time, thanks. Zero out of ten, would not recommend.
This will be a long two hours. If the curse is affecting his pool capacity after all -- and that seems likely -- he needs to be careful and suss out his limits before he reaches them.
He tells himself that and has enough self awareness to doubt he'll stick to it. There's kids here suffering.
He braces himself and begins treatment on another patient.
When two hours have elapsed, he'd swear it's been much longer. After casting Resurrection one more time, he leans against a wall and lets it bear his weight for him, breath coming in ragged gasps. It's searing pain from head to toe, and he's only bothering to try and stem the renewed nosebleed because he doesn't want to look any more frightening than he normally does.
He forces himself to move again and makes it just far enough to where Rezo is dozing before he gives up on standing, slumping to the floor beside the chair.
He's supposed to wake Rezo up, but for a little while he just sits there, saying nothing.
Zel notices for the first time that there's a fireplace in the inn, right across from him. Before this town was cursed, people probably enjoyed sitting by the flames.
[ Sheer exhaustion means Rezo can't help but slip into a state of semi-unconsciousness from the moment he settles into a chair, though a number of factors keep him from proper, full sleep. His upright position, his restless mind, the disturbed breathing of others in the inn...
Two hours pass slowly and yet all too quickly, with Rezo drifting in and out of dreams, unsure of what's real and what's just his mind playing random chords in the quiet.
At some point, he dreams that Zelgadis comes over to sit beside him. The two of them sit together in silence for a while as thoughts drift in and out of Rezo's head. And then, he hears Zelgadis's voice. ]
Mh.
[ Rezo lifts a heavy hand and scrubs at his face with the heel of his palm, trying to massage some measure of wakefulness back into himself. ]
Zelgadis?
[ He belatedly realizes this isn't a dream, Zelgadis really is seated on the floor beside his chair. It's a remarkably childlike position, and not something the prideful Zelgadis would normally take. At least, not around Rezo.
...Which means something is wrong. Concern stirs, blooming alertness within Rezo. ]
[ Rezo raises his hand, then lowers it again, realizing that he perhaps shouldn't try touching Zelgadis, even if it's a means to check on his health. At the very least, crossing a boundary could put their fragile alliance at risk.
And Zelgadis is well enough to answer his questions, so... That's probably good.
He doesn't doubt that Zelgadis's enhanced body is keeping him from growing incoherent. Hearing that it's saved Zelgadis before comes as no surprise either. Rezo had designed Zelgadis's body carefully, mixing components in a way that ensured his grandson would always be armored against any physical and magical attacks that an aspiring knight errant might plausibly encounter. A burly golem made of basalt, fine-grained and porous enough to act as flexible skin while still being impervious to steel, and a brau demon with excellent senses to compensate for a golem's dulled tactile senses, as well as an affinity for magic that went beyond a normal human's. It had been the perfect combination to produce a sorcerer-swordsman worthy of legend.
And all it had cost was Zelgadis's humanity.
Rezo murmurs: ]
So I suppose that makes it my regret instead?
[ That feels like the sort of thing that Zelgadis ought to punch him for saying, and Rezo belatedly remembers that one of the brau demon's enhanced senses is hearing.
He quickly stands up. ]
Try to get some rest. I'll attend to the patients.
[ Zelgadis raises his voice without thinking. Equally impulsively, he tries to push himself up off the floor and stand, grunting in pain when he fails. ]
Ngh... Damn it -- stop running away, you coward! Who else's regret... who else's should it be?
[ It's only now that Zel's present condition makes him feel pathetic: a miserable lump on the floor, no more in this moment than a wounded child grasping desperately for validation. ]
I can't do anything but get angry, and still -- you're running.
[ The brief spike of adrenaline rapidly abates, but Zel forces out the rest of what he wants to say.
If he keeps talking, Rezo might stay.
It's so disgustingly pitiful, but he can't bear not being heard. ]
You had everything, you know. All... all except for your sight. And none of it was good enough, so long as you couldn't see. None of us were good enough.
[ It's that grunt of pain that halts Rezo's hasty retreat. He whirls around despite himself, brow etched and ears alert for any further sounds of distress. ]
Zelgadis, don't-
[ Don't strain yourself. You need to rest. Rezo wants to say that, but it's clear Zelgadis's need to speak is overriding his body's need to recover.
And this time, what he does say takes Rezo aback. ]
...Is that how you saw it?
[ Rezo sinks to his knees, crouching on the floor in front of Zelgadis. The concern and dismay on his face gradually give way to utter bewilderment, because that's... Almost the exact opposite of how Rezo perceived the situation. Oh, he can understand why Zelgadis might say he had "everything." The Great Sage had money, influence, and admiration from all across the barrier lands.
But it had never entirely felt like Rezo's, dependent as it was upon his ability to keep playing the role of Great Sage. All it would take is letting the wrong person down, to let slip the hopeless cripple under the red robes, and everything Rezo had painstakingly built over the course of an exhaustingly long lifetime would crumple to dust.
Zelgadis had seen past that facade, hadn't he? ]
It wasn't- It was never a matter of you not being good enough.
But Rezo's confusion is genuine. As always, he leaves Zelgadis at a loss.
Why, then? ]
You could have fooled me.
[ Knowing him better than most didn't seem to amount to much in the end.
Rezo crouches there as if trying to meet Zelgadis as an equal -- to not seem as though he lords over him. Yet that very consideration is devastatingly reminiscent of how they would interact when he was just a boy, and Zel could sink into the floor.
Even so.
As raw as Zelgadis feels, that deep hurt laid bare, Rezo too is making himself more vulnerable than he's allowed before. Anything is better than nothing.
Rezo is listening -- he's answering. ]
What else am I supposed to think? Everyone that ever cared about you came second to your obsession! I want to be human again, but I wouldn't throw my friends away to make that happen!
[ Damn it. If only he were less tired, then perhaps he could put his thoughts in proper order and say something more eloquent. But on the other hand, maybe it would just make it harder instead. He's always been prone to censoring himself, and he's pretty sure that isn't what Zelgadis wants right now.
It's just a shame that the honest, uncensored truth is so hard to believe. ]
...I know that it sounds like madness, but I truly had convinced myself I was doing you a favor. [ He winces, remembering what Zelgadis had told him when he was in the Hellmaster's Jar, how he'd secretly followed Rezo and learned of his chimera experiments. ] One that would be mutually beneficial, I admit, but I had no desire to throw you away.
[ Rezo runs a hand through his hair, agitated. ]
If anything, you were the one who discarded me. And you were right to do so.
[ Even if Rezo hadn't ruined Zelgadis's life and stolen his future by turning him into a chimera, he'd still intended to revive Shabranigdu. It was an objectively insane plan, and even Rezo is astonished by his own arrogance in believing he could have contained the Dark Lord somehow.
Oh, he'd certainly been furious when Zelgadis had turned against him, stung by betrayal and his pride wounded badly enough to try and kill him. But that's all the more reason for Zelgadis to leave, isn't it? And all the more reason for Rezo, with what little decency he has left, to keep his distance from Zelgadis and not barge in on the life he'd managed to establish once Rezo was out of the picture. ]
You didn't get anything wrong. I thought you knew that.
[ There's reality, and then there's your perception of it.
In an objective sense, Zelgadis knows he hasn't done anything wrong. But Rezo's perspective -- that's been a mystery to him.
Thus, the question: why was Rezo's sight more valuable than Zelgadis?
And now he hears that the very premise of very question is flawed. Insane as it sounds, that's not how it was.
It may be because it's so insane that he can believe it. Rezo's way of thinking could never be called ordinary.
Through and through, this is the extreme logic of a man who would summon a king of demons to grant himself sight. Why not become a monster to achieve what you want most?
Like strength. ]
...I did know that. I never blamed myself for anything but being naive. But obviously, I've never known how you saw it, except for thinking you'd done nothing wrong.
[ And in retrospect, Zel wasn't naive. He couldn't have anticipated what was going to play out.
So then can he say with certainty that no part of him, no matter how small, believed he'd been deficient somehow? Irrespective of what Rezo may or may not have felt?
Betrayal only hurts because it was someone that you loved. Isn't it natural to wonder why love wasn't enough, and what that then implies?
That Rezo was once beloved family is a truth that Zelgadis has tried to bury. If he ever let himself acknowledge that, it would be too painful.
Now he's heard the impossible from Rezo and it's equally overwhelming.
Finally. Rezo gets it. He admits that he was wrong. He casts no blame at Zelgadis.
Zel takes a long, steadying breath. ]
I never thought you'd say any of this. I didn't think you were capable.
[ He swallows hard. ]
After I found out about your experiments, I didn't know anymore if you ever gave a damn about me. I thought it might have been a lie from the start. I hated you for that most of all.
[ It isn't as if he'd thought he'd done nothing wrong. Rezo at least intellectually knows the difference between right and wrong, even if he's a believer in using wrong for the sake of right. And then, with how horrendously Shabranigdu's revival had turned out (and how much worse it could have gone if Lina Inverse hadn't been involved) and the years he spent in the Hellmaster's Jar afterwards with little to do but reflect...
Well. At any rate, he can understand how Zelgadis might have come to that particular conclusion. The idea that Zelgadis may have actually blamed himself- at least in part- for what Rezo did to him is more bewildering.
Almost as bewildering as the part where Zelgadis admits that he hated Rezo the most for not caring about him. That part in particular stuns him into silence for a few solid seconds while he tries to digest it. ]
That... Zelgadis, why would-
[ Well. Zelgadis had pledged his loyalty to him. He'd assured Rezo how proud he and the others were to serve the Red Priest. Rezo had just unconsciously assumed that had changed, that he'd stopped caring about Rezo's opinion when he'd realized that Rezo wasn't the man he'd presented himself as.
And maybe that is the case, and Zelgadis is asking on behalf of that confused, betrayed boy that he'd been. It's still difficult for Rezo to wrap his head around the idea, and he truthfully hadn't thought much about what Zelgadis was thinking or feeling when the issue of his eyes had been crowding his thoughts.
Rezo pinches the bridge of his nose, exasperated with his own confusion. ]
Clearly I understand your motivations even less than I thought. [ What with convincing himself in the first place that Zelgadis would be basically okay with being a chimera! ] I suppose you were very young at the time. How long has it been? Ten years?
[ For a brief moment, Rezo looks miffed. Zelgadis hates him. Rezo is the vessel of Shabranigdu who nearly destroyed the world. Rezo thinks it would be perfectly reasonable to assume that Zelgadis's opinion of Rezo's opinion would be poor!
Reasonable perhaps, but ultimately incorrect as Zelgadis asserts. The admission lights a tender curl of warmth within him- somehow, impossibly, Rezo still matters to his grandson!
-but that warmth is just as quickly overtaken by horror. Mattering to Zelgadis gives him a power over the boy that he knows he cannot be trusted with. ]
...I'm sorry.
[ He raises a hand, intending to touch it to Zelgadis's cheek. Perhaps Zelgadis will accept the touch, or perhaps he'll avoid it somehow. Either way, Rezo forges on. ]
Zelgadis, you will be far better off if you don't concern yourself with what I do or do not care for.
[ Cepheid, though, it's agonizing to admit. ]
I... do care about you. But I cannot guarantee I always will, nor that my feelings will be of any good to you.
[ Zel lets Rezo's hand rest on his cheek. He's already bared his soul: there's no need to suddenly play the cool guy, least of all as his heart sinks with that "I'm sorry".
He finally gets an apology, and it's one he doesn't even want to hear.
Especially because Rezo is absolutely correct, and Zel knows it.
He's known all along that the smartest thing he could do for himself is live his life as though Rezo does not exist. ]
...You're right. I should make my peace with you here and move on once the village recovers. If you hadn't been resurrected, I might have already put you behind me by now.
[ Zel's mouth twitches into a wry smile. ]
But you are here, and for the first time since this all began, the rift between us has lessened. It might all be for naught -- but if I concede defeat before I even lose, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering how things might have turned out.
[ Even though he knows better, a part of Rezo was expecting the sensation of soft skin. Instead, his hand settles on a curved stone surface, lined with bumps. Yet it's warm, as an ordinary person's would be. Warm and alive. It truly is a marvel, almost as much as the fact that Zelgadis is allowing this at all.
And merely because Rezo said a few things that he thought Zelgadis already knew?
It was so... simple.
Not easy, not in the least, but simple. Even if he's not forgiven by any means, he had assumed he would need to pull off a miracle in order to even lessen the rift.
But even if Zelgadis's heart has eased, that doesn't solve the underlying root of their problems. Even as Rezo continues to carefully hold Zelgadis's face in his hand, his expression is conflicted. ]
...It's deeper than a matter of a rift, Zelgadis. I could kill you. I have already tried to do so in the past.
[ As long as Shabranigdu resides within Rezo, the same old risks remain. It may only be a matter of time before the worst of the Red Priest is brought to the surface again, and like before, it wouldn't be Zelgadis alone who'd suffer for it.
Frankly, Rezo is a potential threat to existence itself. ]
...But don't get too ahead of yourself. First off, you're assuming I'd lose.
[ If Rezo were to try and kill him right now, Zel would be a sitting duck, yes, but that would be an exceedingly unlikely turn of events.
In a fair fight, Zel thinks he'd stand a chance, no need for a Philsopher's Stone to level the playing field. ]
You're not as strong as you used to be because of dying and resurrecting twice, right? I suppose you wouldn't know this, but a similar principle applies to Shabranigdu. When you revived it in Taforashia, it was a shell of its former self; a ghost who was destroyed again by Lina. It follows that whatever you're harboring now is a remnant of that.
[ It did take the Giga Slave to eradicate Shabranigdu's ghost, but that's the nature of magic. The true essence of Ruby Eye was long dead. ]
If you can be this embarrassing, I'm not convinced yet that Shabranigdu's influence is so irresistible any longer.
[ He's not fooling anyone. He missed Rezo's kindness. ]
[ It's surreal. Incomprehensible. Zelgadis is a powerful sorcerer in his own right, and he's made reliable connections since Rezo died. At this point there is little Rezo has to offer him apart from the occasional bit of consultation on matters like their current situation. If Zelgadis wants that, there's no need to concern himself with the rift between them.
Evidently Zelgadis's tender heart hasn't lessened as much as Rezo thought, nor the boy's exasperating stubbornness and pride. ]
Zelgadis.
[ Rezo carefully, slowly withdraws his hand.
He doesn't know if Zelgadis's theory will prove true. He still understands little about the circumstances of his own revival. And Rezo is very doubtful of if this is truly the right thing for Zelgadis to do.
But he is certain of one thing. ]
You know I can be far more embarrassing than this.
[ He thought Rezo would say, well, literally anything else. Tell him he might be onto something, or conversely, tell him he's mistaken. Zelgadis laughs quietly to himself. ]
I haven't forgotten that either. Spare me.
[ He hasn't forgiven Rezo. He might never go on to forgive him even if they mend this rift as well as they can.
But it's already easier to live with the weight of it all.
Zelgadis had once believed this bond unsalvageable, Rezo incapable of reflection or change, and he has been proven wrong.
A little hope is a nice thing to have.
He clears his throat. ]
Anyway, we've made enough of a commotion. You should check on the patients already.
[ He's starting to feel guilty about letting all of this play out inside the inn... Some of that was impossible not to overhear. ]
[ The laughter is rewarded with a smile, something tremulous and rather more fragile than Rezo's usual placid expression, but sincere. He can't recall the last time he heard Zelgadis actually laugh about something.
The fragile moment ends soon enough, with the reminder- for both of them- of where and when they actually are. ]
...Yes, of course.
[ God they really have been having this talk in an inn full of people. This is part of why Rezo wanted to put it off! Still, no matter how raw he feels, for the moment he doesn't regret the conversation. The air between them is just that bit clearer, and it's subsequently a bit easier to breathe. Somehow, they've managed to speak about their estrangement without further rejection and alienation.
But he really does have to take care of the patients. Rezo slowly gets to his feet. ]
Rest well. I'll come check on you in two hours.
[ Though while he's working out there, he dearly hopes he doesn't wind up crying on any of the patients. There's a telltale burning sensation in his eyes. It turns out one of the downsides of having his eyes unsealed is that he actually can cry properly now, even though most of the time he would prefer not to! ]
[ For a second there, just as Rezo moves to stand, Zel thinks he spots the shimmer of tears behind Rezo's lashes.
Resting his head against the arm of the chair beside him, he questions if it was his imagination as he slips into a surprisingly deep sleep.
The sounds of the inn filter into his subconscious, shaping the form of his dreams. Before long, he is dreaming that he too is a patient trapped in a bed, where the curse gnaws away at him from the inside. He knows when it's done with him it'll have hollowed him out. When there's nothing left, it will make no difference if he's human or not.
He is trying to implore Rezo for help, but his mouth won't obey his brain and his words come out all wrong, their meaning inverted. The dream-Rezo does not understand.
The scene shifts. Rezo turns his back to Zelgadis. His robes flutter behind him as he walks away, and Zel is powerless to follow. All the willpower in the world can't force him to rise from this bed.
Ruby eyes glint back at him from the dark.
Sill asleep, Zelgadis mutters to himself, brow furrowed deep. ]
[ Rezo resumes work in something of a haze. He succeeds in not breaking down in between resurrections, but he does have to discreetly swipe at his eyes every now and then and his thoughts are never far from the young man sleeping by the fireplace. He still isn't entirely sure what Zelgadis hopes for from Rezo, besides for Rezo to care about him even if he doesn't need Rezo to take care of him.
But maybe, when things have settled down a bit, he can just ask. Isn't that something?
Between the two of them they've made enough progress that all the patients in the inn have been treated before the two hours are up. If he wants to be thorough, Rezo could start visiting the other buildings in the village to look for other patients in a critical state. But wandering off on his own like that seems like it could end poorly, and he wants to stay near Zelgadis to keep an eye on his condition.
So Rezo leaves the final inn patient where they're lying and trudges back to his grandson.
He catches the sound of muttering and thinks for a moment that Zelgadis must still be awake. But- no, that doesn't sound very lucid, is he sleeptalking? He sounds almost anxious about something.
Rezo kneels and listens to the sound of Zelgadis's breathing before he gingerly touches him, wary of waking Zelgadis unnecessarily. ]
Settle down. Everything is fine.
[ Minus the mazoku feeding on the town's suffering and the numerous cursed individuals rotting away, including Zelgadis. But there really isn't a pressing emergency at the moment. Zelgadis can rest a little longer, surely. ]
Subconsciously, he hears Rezo's reassurance, and the dream changes shape once more.
Rezo has not abandoned him. He's right here.
Thank goodness.
Everything is fine... Is everything fine? He isn't sure of that. But he would like to believe it, if only for now. His breathing steadies, and his sleep is uneventful after that.
It's about thirty minutes past the two hour mark when he blearily awakens. Despite his fatigue, there's too much tension in his body to stay asleep much longer than this. As he lifts his head, he's met with light resistance: strands of his wiry hair poked into the armchair's fabric. It's the least of anyone's problems, but he's a little embarrassed.
The clock on the wall says he overslept. Did Rezo decide against waking him?
...Ha. They've both gotten soft, huh. ]
I'm up.
[ And he'd better be able to finally get up. Come on, chimera body, show him what you're good for.
One, two...
He pulls himself to his feet, swaying lightly. Probably should have taken that more slowly. Ugh, he's going to have to be really careful about how much magic he expends. ]
[ Rezo hears Zelgadis's breathing even out, and feels himself relax in response. He lets his fingertips linger on Zelgadis's cheek for a few moments longer before withdrawing them, satisfied that nothing is seriously amiss.
When Zelgadis was quite small, Rezo would sometimes sing to him at bedtime, or tell him a story- which would often turn into several stories as Zelgadis stubbornly insisted on staying awake for "just one more"- but right now, it seems better to just give him a quiet: ]
Rest well.
[ That, however, leaves Rezo with little to do. Zelgadis needs his rest. They both need to recuperate. So what should Rezo do in the mean time?
The answer to that Zelgadis will easily be able to discern once he's on his feet, as long as he looks to his side and slightly down.
Because Rezo is now sitting in the arm chair and he is much more heavily conked out than he was earlier. His head is at an angle leaning against the back of the chair and is mouth is partly agape, undermining his usual dignity significantly. At least he isn't snoring. Breathing doesn't count as snoring.
But he is very much in the depths of an old man nap. Zzz. ]
[ Right after he rises to his feet, Zel spots a figure in his peripheral vision, and there is Rezo, asleep again in the armchair. That must mean every patient in the inn has had Resurrection cast on them. All these people, the sickest of the sick, are a step closer to being healed.
Shaking off a light dizziness, he watches Rezo. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest makes Zelgadis want to sit back down and keep sleeping. But it's for the best if one of them remains awake, so he refrains.
Rezo seems so human these past days. Even before the betrayal, Zelgadis had spent enough time with Rezo to learn of his mundane habits, his unglamorous foibles, and still there was always something about him that seemed untouchable. Out of reach. From the start until now Zelgadis had mythologized him. A hero, a villain, the greatest, the worst...
All childish perceptions. He thinks he ought to be annoyed with himself. Instead he's relieved that reality is, for once, a lot more simple than he thought it to be.
Having regained some of his strength, Zel turns his attention to the patients, wanting to assess their conditions for himself for thoroughness' sake. That, and there's precious little else for him to do.
He's just as embarrassed as he was two hours ago about every person here being an audience to the Greywords Family Drama, and were it not for his sense of responsibility he would be the first person ever recorded to grow catatonic from cringe. Or maybe even die. You can probably die from that.
Zel does his best impression of a person with intact dignity as he makes the rounds and concludes his initial assumption was right: Rezo did take care of the rest of the patients. ]
It's a lot to ask, but hang in there. It'll be worth it. Your life isn't something you can replace.
[ He knows he's no motivational speaker, but his awkward effort comes from the heart.
...God, he hopes they're doing the right thing.
Or in this case, the least wrong thing.
He hears footsteps; the innkeeper is coming down the stairs. Urk. He forgot there's one person here who's well enough to comment on what she must have overheard. He hastily makes a last-ditch effort to scrub the blood off of his face and then he preempts her before she can speak a word. ]
We've made considerable headway. If the patients here are responding to the treatments -- and they are -- that bodes well for the rest of the village.
[ "You both have done so much for us already, at great cost to yourselves. Please, rest as much you need."
In spite of that cost, Zel thinks, he's managed to gain something too. That's unbearably sappy, however, so instead he tells her he's experienced worse. It is true.
The innkeeper doesn't ask about what happened with Rezo earlier, either out of politeness or discomfort with broaching the subject. Instead she tells him she's been going through the inn's storage room, looking for extra medical supplies.
"I've found everything but anything useful," she says, "though that old guitar would shed a bit of the gloom if there were anyone left to play." ]
I can play guitar.
[ And a few minutes later, Zel finds himself holding the guitar in question. The innkeeper, looking nearly as happy as she did when Rezo first appeared in the village, eagerly explains that the guitar was left behind by a guest that never came back to retrieve it, and has seen a lot of use from other guests over the years, only finding itself stored away to make room for the patients. ]
I didn't... Uh...
[ Didn't think she'd want him to play it right now. Rezo's still sleeping, for one thing, and it's very sudden besides. Didn't she just tell him to rest...?
But she's obviously desperate for some kind of reprieve from the constant misery, and Zel caves to the hopeful look on her face.
Zel wracks his brain for a minute, and then begins to play a song. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
If it's a believable lie he's trying to come up with, Zel would expect him to have an easier time.
So then, is it the truth he's unable to articulate? Is it pride that keeps him from stating it? Shame? Doubt? Cowardice?
Without knowing what's happening in Rezo's head, Zel's assumption is that he's trying to weasel his way out of answering. ]
A promise from you isn't worth much.
[ That is not entirely true.
Zelgadis glances at the drying blood on the handkerchief. His nosebleed has subsided along with the majority of the pain, so he's going to charitably assume that there's nothing particularly terrible happening inside his body at the moment.
'When all of this is over'... That's looking awfully far away. What state will either of them be in by then?
He could persist. Rezo might well crack.
But the patients. The mazoku.
There are greater priorities. ]
...All right. I'll wait. But if you don't keep your word, that's it. I'm done.
[ A faint waver in his voice betrays the emotion he's fighting to keep at bay.
I can't keep being disappointed over and over. ]
no subject
Fair enough.
[ Rezo honestly thought that Zelgadis was already "done" with him, notwithstanding emergencies where a great sage's expertise was warranted. He's not sure if he should be relieved or alarmed by the notion that Zelgadis's opinion of him could get worse.
He suppresses a grimace as he realizes this reprieve isn't really going to lessen his tension any- now he just has the tension of awaiting future judgment and the added burden of having to somehow prepare himself.
On top of the patients they already have to care for... Rezo bites down on the inside of his cheek briefly before speaking. ]
I'll let you take over for the time being. Wake me in two hours, or if anything happens.
[ There are a few chairs free in the inn, even if there aren't any beds. Rezo can just grab an armchair by the fire and doze for a bit. ]
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Zel doubts the mazoku is desperate enough yet to strike at Rezo while out of its element. Still, it's troubling, knowing that it's keeping tabs. It would definitely want to know how its curse is panning out. He's having an awful time, thanks. Zero out of ten, would not recommend.
This will be a long two hours. If the curse is affecting his pool capacity after all -- and that seems likely -- he needs to be careful and suss out his limits before he reaches them.
He tells himself that and has enough self awareness to doubt he'll stick to it. There's kids here suffering.
He braces himself and begins treatment on another patient.
When two hours have elapsed, he'd swear it's been much longer. After casting Resurrection one more time, he leans against a wall and lets it bear his weight for him, breath coming in ragged gasps. It's searing pain from head to toe, and he's only bothering to try and stem the renewed nosebleed because he doesn't want to look any more frightening than he normally does.
He forces himself to move again and makes it just far enough to where Rezo is dozing before he gives up on standing, slumping to the floor beside the chair.
He's supposed to wake Rezo up, but for a little while he just sits there, saying nothing.
Zel notices for the first time that there's a fireplace in the inn, right across from him. Before this town was cursed, people probably enjoyed sitting by the flames.
It doesn't look like anyone's used it in a while.
Finally, Zel speaks. ]
...Hey. Rezo. Wake up.
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Two hours pass slowly and yet all too quickly, with Rezo drifting in and out of dreams, unsure of what's real and what's just his mind playing random chords in the quiet.
At some point, he dreams that Zelgadis comes over to sit beside him. The two of them sit together in silence for a while as thoughts drift in and out of Rezo's head. And then, he hears Zelgadis's voice. ]
Mh.
[ Rezo lifts a heavy hand and scrubs at his face with the heel of his palm, trying to massage some measure of wakefulness back into himself. ]
Zelgadis?
[ He belatedly realizes this isn't a dream, Zelgadis really is seated on the floor beside his chair. It's a remarkably childlike position, and not something the prideful Zelgadis would normally take. At least, not around Rezo.
...Which means something is wrong. Concern stirs, blooming alertness within Rezo. ]
Why are you down there? Is it the curse?
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[ The reply comes weary and hoarse. Zelgadis has no energy to pretend otherwise; not for others' benefit, or his own pride.
It's not lost on him that he's lucky he can even answer yes. What a sick joke that he's still better off than most. ]
Got a lot of patients treated. Doubt I'll be going anywhere soon.
[ A thought crosses his mind. It isn't a revelation: just an observation he's made before. ]
I'd be like the others if I didn't have this body. It's saved me more than once. But I'll never thank you for it.
[ He stares into the empty fireplace. ]
If you'd told me upfront... Who knows. At least it'd have been my decision to regret.
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And Zelgadis is well enough to answer his questions, so... That's probably good.
He doesn't doubt that Zelgadis's enhanced body is keeping him from growing incoherent. Hearing that it's saved Zelgadis before comes as no surprise either. Rezo had designed Zelgadis's body carefully, mixing components in a way that ensured his grandson would always be armored against any physical and magical attacks that an aspiring knight errant might plausibly encounter. A burly golem made of basalt, fine-grained and porous enough to act as flexible skin while still being impervious to steel, and a brau demon with excellent senses to compensate for a golem's dulled tactile senses, as well as an affinity for magic that went beyond a normal human's. It had been the perfect combination to produce a sorcerer-swordsman worthy of legend.
And all it had cost was Zelgadis's humanity.
Rezo murmurs: ]
So I suppose that makes it my regret instead?
[ That feels like the sort of thing that Zelgadis ought to punch him for saying, and Rezo belatedly remembers that one of the brau demon's enhanced senses is hearing.
He quickly stands up. ]
Try to get some rest. I'll attend to the patients.
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[ Zelgadis raises his voice without thinking. Equally impulsively, he tries to push himself up off the floor and stand, grunting in pain when he fails. ]
Ngh... Damn it -- stop running away, you coward! Who else's regret... who else's should it be?
[ It's only now that Zel's present condition makes him feel pathetic: a miserable lump on the floor, no more in this moment than a wounded child grasping desperately for validation. ]
I can't do anything but get angry, and still -- you're running.
[ The brief spike of adrenaline rapidly abates, but Zel forces out the rest of what he wants to say.
If he keeps talking, Rezo might stay.
It's so disgustingly pitiful, but he can't bear not being heard. ]
You had everything, you know. All... all except for your sight. And none of it was good enough, so long as you couldn't see. None of us were good enough.
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Zelgadis, don't-
[ Don't strain yourself. You need to rest. Rezo wants to say that, but it's clear Zelgadis's need to speak is overriding his body's need to recover.
And this time, what he does say takes Rezo aback. ]
...Is that how you saw it?
[ Rezo sinks to his knees, crouching on the floor in front of Zelgadis. The concern and dismay on his face gradually give way to utter bewilderment, because that's... Almost the exact opposite of how Rezo perceived the situation. Oh, he can understand why Zelgadis might say he had "everything." The Great Sage had money, influence, and admiration from all across the barrier lands.
But it had never entirely felt like Rezo's, dependent as it was upon his ability to keep playing the role of Great Sage. All it would take is letting the wrong person down, to let slip the hopeless cripple under the red robes, and everything Rezo had painstakingly built over the course of an exhaustingly long lifetime would crumple to dust.
Zelgadis had seen past that facade, hadn't he? ]
It wasn't- It was never a matter of you not being good enough.
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But Rezo's confusion is genuine. As always, he leaves Zelgadis at a loss.
Why, then? ]
You could have fooled me.
[ Knowing him better than most didn't seem to amount to much in the end.
Rezo crouches there as if trying to meet Zelgadis as an equal -- to not seem as though he lords over him. Yet that very consideration is devastatingly reminiscent of how they would interact when he was just a boy, and Zel could sink into the floor.
Even so.
As raw as Zelgadis feels, that deep hurt laid bare, Rezo too is making himself more vulnerable than he's allowed before. Anything is better than nothing.
Rezo is listening -- he's answering. ]
What else am I supposed to think? Everyone that ever cared about you came second to your obsession! I want to be human again, but I wouldn't throw my friends away to make that happen!
[ Zelgadis balls his fists in his lap. ]
So help me understand what I got so wrong, Rezo.
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It's just a shame that the honest, uncensored truth is so hard to believe. ]
...I know that it sounds like madness, but I truly had convinced myself I was doing you a favor. [ He winces, remembering what Zelgadis had told him when he was in the Hellmaster's Jar, how he'd secretly followed Rezo and learned of his chimera experiments. ] One that would be mutually beneficial, I admit, but I had no desire to throw you away.
[ Rezo runs a hand through his hair, agitated. ]
If anything, you were the one who discarded me. And you were right to do so.
[ Even if Rezo hadn't ruined Zelgadis's life and stolen his future by turning him into a chimera, he'd still intended to revive Shabranigdu. It was an objectively insane plan, and even Rezo is astonished by his own arrogance in believing he could have contained the Dark Lord somehow.
Oh, he'd certainly been furious when Zelgadis had turned against him, stung by betrayal and his pride wounded badly enough to try and kill him. But that's all the more reason for Zelgadis to leave, isn't it? And all the more reason for Rezo, with what little decency he has left, to keep his distance from Zelgadis and not barge in on the life he'd managed to establish once Rezo was out of the picture. ]
You didn't get anything wrong. I thought you knew that.
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In an objective sense, Zelgadis knows he hasn't done anything wrong. But Rezo's perspective -- that's been a mystery to him.
Thus, the question: why was Rezo's sight more valuable than Zelgadis?
And now he hears that the very premise of very question is flawed. Insane as it sounds, that's not how it was.
It may be because it's so insane that he can believe it. Rezo's way of thinking could never be called ordinary.
Through and through, this is the extreme logic of a man who would summon a king of demons to grant himself sight. Why not become a monster to achieve what you want most?
Like strength. ]
...I did know that. I never blamed myself for anything but being naive. But obviously, I've never known how you saw it, except for thinking you'd done nothing wrong.
[ And in retrospect, Zel wasn't naive. He couldn't have anticipated what was going to play out.
So then can he say with certainty that no part of him, no matter how small, believed he'd been deficient somehow? Irrespective of what Rezo may or may not have felt?
Betrayal only hurts because it was someone that you loved. Isn't it natural to wonder why love wasn't enough, and what that then implies?
That Rezo was once beloved family is a truth that Zelgadis has tried to bury. If he ever let himself acknowledge that, it would be too painful.
Now he's heard the impossible from Rezo and it's equally overwhelming.
Finally. Rezo gets it. He admits that he was wrong. He casts no blame at Zelgadis.
Zel takes a long, steadying breath. ]
I never thought you'd say any of this. I didn't think you were capable.
[ He swallows hard. ]
After I found out about your experiments, I didn't know anymore if you ever gave a damn about me. I thought it might have been a lie from the start. I hated you for that most of all.
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Well. At any rate, he can understand how Zelgadis might have come to that particular conclusion. The idea that Zelgadis may have actually blamed himself- at least in part- for what Rezo did to him is more bewildering.
Almost as bewildering as the part where Zelgadis admits that he hated Rezo the most for not caring about him. That part in particular stuns him into silence for a few solid seconds while he tries to digest it. ]
That... Zelgadis, why would-
[ Well. Zelgadis had pledged his loyalty to him. He'd assured Rezo how proud he and the others were to serve the Red Priest. Rezo had just unconsciously assumed that had changed, that he'd stopped caring about Rezo's opinion when he'd realized that Rezo wasn't the man he'd presented himself as.
And maybe that is the case, and Zelgadis is asking on behalf of that confused, betrayed boy that he'd been. It's still difficult for Rezo to wrap his head around the idea, and he truthfully hadn't thought much about what Zelgadis was thinking or feeling when the issue of his eyes had been crowding his thoughts.
Rezo pinches the bridge of his nose, exasperated with his own confusion. ]
Clearly I understand your motivations even less than I thought. [ What with convincing himself in the first place that Zelgadis would be basically okay with being a chimera! ] I suppose you were very young at the time. How long has it been? Ten years?
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Zelgadis is floored. How does the misunderstanding run this deep? ]
You can't be this much of an idiot.
[ He almost wants to laugh in sheer disbelief. ]
It hasn't been that long, but that's not the point. I asked you earlier why you care what happens to me, because --
[ Damn it.
It's agony to say. It's too honest. It'll kill him.
But he needs to.
There's nothing left to lose, his pride is in shambles, he's bloody and cursed and miserable, so it doesn't matter what he says now.
Despite everything, for some godforsaken reason -- ]
I still want you to care what happens to me.
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Reasonable perhaps, but ultimately incorrect as Zelgadis asserts. The admission lights a tender curl of warmth within him- somehow, impossibly, Rezo still matters to his grandson!
-but that warmth is just as quickly overtaken by horror. Mattering to Zelgadis gives him a power over the boy that he knows he cannot be trusted with. ]
...I'm sorry.
[ He raises a hand, intending to touch it to Zelgadis's cheek. Perhaps Zelgadis will accept the touch, or perhaps he'll avoid it somehow. Either way, Rezo forges on. ]
Zelgadis, you will be far better off if you don't concern yourself with what I do or do not care for.
[ Cepheid, though, it's agonizing to admit. ]
I... do care about you. But I cannot guarantee I always will, nor that my feelings will be of any good to you.
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He finally gets an apology, and it's one he doesn't even want to hear.
Especially because Rezo is absolutely correct, and Zel knows it.
He's known all along that the smartest thing he could do for himself is live his life as though Rezo does not exist. ]
...You're right. I should make my peace with you here and move on once the village recovers. If you hadn't been resurrected, I might have already put you behind me by now.
[ Zel's mouth twitches into a wry smile. ]
But you are here, and for the first time since this all began, the rift between us has lessened. It might all be for naught -- but if I concede defeat before I even lose, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering how things might have turned out.
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And merely because Rezo said a few things that he thought Zelgadis already knew?
It was so... simple.
Not easy, not in the least, but simple. Even if he's not forgiven by any means, he had assumed he would need to pull off a miracle in order to even lessen the rift.
But even if Zelgadis's heart has eased, that doesn't solve the underlying root of their problems. Even as Rezo continues to carefully hold Zelgadis's face in his hand, his expression is conflicted. ]
...It's deeper than a matter of a rift, Zelgadis. I could kill you. I have already tried to do so in the past.
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[ As long as Shabranigdu resides within Rezo, the same old risks remain. It may only be a matter of time before the worst of the Red Priest is brought to the surface again, and like before, it wouldn't be Zelgadis alone who'd suffer for it.
Frankly, Rezo is a potential threat to existence itself. ]
...But don't get too ahead of yourself. First off, you're assuming I'd lose.
[ If Rezo were to try and kill him right now, Zel would be a sitting duck, yes, but that would be an exceedingly unlikely turn of events.
In a fair fight, Zel thinks he'd stand a chance, no need for a Philsopher's Stone to level the playing field. ]
You're not as strong as you used to be because of dying and resurrecting twice, right? I suppose you wouldn't know this, but a similar principle applies to Shabranigdu. When you revived it in Taforashia, it was a shell of its former self; a ghost who was destroyed again by Lina. It follows that whatever you're harboring now is a remnant of that.
[ It did take the Giga Slave to eradicate Shabranigdu's ghost, but that's the nature of magic. The true essence of Ruby Eye was long dead. ]
If you can be this embarrassing, I'm not convinced yet that Shabranigdu's influence is so irresistible any longer.
[ He's not fooling anyone. He missed Rezo's kindness. ]
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Evidently Zelgadis's tender heart hasn't lessened as much as Rezo thought, nor the boy's exasperating stubbornness and pride. ]
Zelgadis.
[ Rezo carefully, slowly withdraws his hand.
He doesn't know if Zelgadis's theory will prove true. He still understands little about the circumstances of his own revival. And Rezo is very doubtful of if this is truly the right thing for Zelgadis to do.
But he is certain of one thing. ]
You know I can be far more embarrassing than this.
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I haven't forgotten that either. Spare me.
[ He hasn't forgiven Rezo. He might never go on to forgive him even if they mend this rift as well as they can.
But it's already easier to live with the weight of it all.
Zelgadis had once believed this bond unsalvageable, Rezo incapable of reflection or change, and he has been proven wrong.
A little hope is a nice thing to have.
He clears his throat. ]
Anyway, we've made enough of a commotion. You should check on the patients already.
[ He's starting to feel guilty about letting all of this play out inside the inn... Some of that was impossible not to overhear. ]
I'll be stuck here a while longer.
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The fragile moment ends soon enough, with the reminder- for both of them- of where and when they actually are. ]
...Yes, of course.
[ God they really have been having this talk in an inn full of people. This is part of why Rezo wanted to put it off! Still, no matter how raw he feels, for the moment he doesn't regret the conversation. The air between them is just that bit clearer, and it's subsequently a bit easier to breathe. Somehow, they've managed to speak about their estrangement without further rejection and alienation.
But he really does have to take care of the patients. Rezo slowly gets to his feet. ]
Rest well. I'll come check on you in two hours.
[ Though while he's working out there, he dearly hopes he doesn't wind up crying on any of the patients. There's a telltale burning sensation in his eyes. It turns out one of the downsides of having his eyes unsealed is that he actually can cry properly now, even though most of the time he would prefer not to! ]
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Resting his head against the arm of the chair beside him, he questions if it was his imagination as he slips into a surprisingly deep sleep.
The sounds of the inn filter into his subconscious, shaping the form of his dreams. Before long, he is dreaming that he too is a patient trapped in a bed, where the curse gnaws away at him from the inside. He knows when it's done with him it'll have hollowed him out. When there's nothing left, it will make no difference if he's human or not.
He is trying to implore Rezo for help, but his mouth won't obey his brain and his words come out all wrong, their meaning inverted. The dream-Rezo does not understand.
The scene shifts. Rezo turns his back to Zelgadis. His robes flutter behind him as he walks away, and Zel is powerless to follow. All the willpower in the world can't force him to rise from this bed.
Ruby eyes glint back at him from the dark.
Sill asleep, Zelgadis mutters to himself, brow furrowed deep. ]
Wait... Come back... Don't...
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But maybe, when things have settled down a bit, he can just ask. Isn't that something?
Between the two of them they've made enough progress that all the patients in the inn have been treated before the two hours are up. If he wants to be thorough, Rezo could start visiting the other buildings in the village to look for other patients in a critical state. But wandering off on his own like that seems like it could end poorly, and he wants to stay near Zelgadis to keep an eye on his condition.
So Rezo leaves the final inn patient where they're lying and trudges back to his grandson.
He catches the sound of muttering and thinks for a moment that Zelgadis must still be awake. But- no, that doesn't sound very lucid, is he sleeptalking? He sounds almost anxious about something.
Rezo kneels and listens to the sound of Zelgadis's breathing before he gingerly touches him, wary of waking Zelgadis unnecessarily. ]
Settle down. Everything is fine.
[ Minus the mazoku feeding on the town's suffering and the numerous cursed individuals rotting away, including Zelgadis. But there really isn't a pressing emergency at the moment. Zelgadis can rest a little longer, surely. ]
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Subconsciously, he hears Rezo's reassurance, and the dream changes shape once more.
Rezo has not abandoned him. He's right here.
Thank goodness.
Everything is fine... Is everything fine? He isn't sure of that. But he would like to believe it, if only for now. His breathing steadies, and his sleep is uneventful after that.
It's about thirty minutes past the two hour mark when he blearily awakens. Despite his fatigue, there's too much tension in his body to stay asleep much longer than this. As he lifts his head, he's met with light resistance: strands of his wiry hair poked into the armchair's fabric. It's the least of anyone's problems, but he's a little embarrassed.
The clock on the wall says he overslept. Did Rezo decide against waking him?
...Ha. They've both gotten soft, huh. ]
I'm up.
[ And he'd better be able to finally get up. Come on, chimera body, show him what you're good for.
One, two...
He pulls himself to his feet, swaying lightly. Probably should have taken that more slowly. Ugh, he's going to have to be really careful about how much magic he expends. ]
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When Zelgadis was quite small, Rezo would sometimes sing to him at bedtime, or tell him a story- which would often turn into several stories as Zelgadis stubbornly insisted on staying awake for "just one more"- but right now, it seems better to just give him a quiet: ]
Rest well.
[ That, however, leaves Rezo with little to do. Zelgadis needs his rest. They both need to recuperate. So what should Rezo do in the mean time?
The answer to that Zelgadis will easily be able to discern once he's on his feet, as long as he looks to his side and slightly down.
Because Rezo is now sitting in the arm chair and he is much more heavily conked out than he was earlier. His head is at an angle leaning against the back of the chair and is mouth is partly agape, undermining his usual dignity significantly. At least he isn't snoring. Breathing doesn't count as snoring.
But he is very much in the depths of an old man nap. Zzz. ]
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Shaking off a light dizziness, he watches Rezo. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest makes Zelgadis want to sit back down and keep sleeping. But it's for the best if one of them remains awake, so he refrains.
Rezo seems so human these past days. Even before the betrayal, Zelgadis had spent enough time with Rezo to learn of his mundane habits, his unglamorous foibles, and still there was always something about him that seemed untouchable. Out of reach. From the start until now Zelgadis had mythologized him. A hero, a villain, the greatest, the worst...
All childish perceptions. He thinks he ought to be annoyed with himself. Instead he's relieved that reality is, for once, a lot more simple than he thought it to be.
Having regained some of his strength, Zel turns his attention to the patients, wanting to assess their conditions for himself for thoroughness' sake. That, and there's precious little else for him to do.
He's just as embarrassed as he was two hours ago about every person here being an audience to the Greywords Family Drama, and were it not for his sense of responsibility he would be the first person ever recorded to grow catatonic from cringe. Or maybe even die. You can probably die from that.
Zel does his best impression of a person with intact dignity as he makes the rounds and concludes his initial assumption was right: Rezo did take care of the rest of the patients. ]
It's a lot to ask, but hang in there. It'll be worth it. Your life isn't something you can replace.
[ He knows he's no motivational speaker, but his awkward effort comes from the heart.
...God, he hopes they're doing the right thing.
Or in this case, the least wrong thing.
He hears footsteps; the innkeeper is coming down the stairs. Urk. He forgot there's one person here who's well enough to comment on what she must have overheard. He hastily makes a last-ditch effort to scrub the blood off of his face and then he preempts her before she can speak a word. ]
We've made considerable headway. If the patients here are responding to the treatments -- and they are -- that bodes well for the rest of the village.
[ "You both have done so much for us already, at great cost to yourselves. Please, rest as much you need."
In spite of that cost, Zel thinks, he's managed to gain something too. That's unbearably sappy, however, so instead he tells her he's experienced worse. It is true.
The innkeeper doesn't ask about what happened with Rezo earlier, either out of politeness or discomfort with broaching the subject. Instead she tells him she's been going through the inn's storage room, looking for extra medical supplies.
"I've found everything but anything useful," she says, "though that old guitar would shed a bit of the gloom if there were anyone left to play." ]
I can play guitar.
[ And a few minutes later, Zel finds himself holding the guitar in question. The innkeeper, looking nearly as happy as she did when Rezo first appeared in the village, eagerly explains that the guitar was left behind by a guest that never came back to retrieve it, and has seen a lot of use from other guests over the years, only finding itself stored away to make room for the patients. ]
I didn't... Uh...
[ Didn't think she'd want him to play it right now. Rezo's still sleeping, for one thing, and it's very sudden besides. Didn't she just tell him to rest...?
But she's obviously desperate for some kind of reprieve from the constant misery, and Zel caves to the hopeful look on her face.
Zel wracks his brain for a minute, and then begins to play a song. ]
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a wizard is never late etc
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